I guess you could compare it to
A battered old bin bag,
Billowing outward from the hole in it’s canister
Against the biting, bitter wind
Compelled to leave it’s comfortable complacency
By something it can’t see or feel
Or even comprehend.
It’s a bit like that.
Kinda hard to commit to words
But what I’m saying is…
I can’t be here anymore.
And we danced.
Beneath the hyper-tight, glittering lights
so carefully placed by the hands
of a perfect azure sky.
And you loved me.
Unsullied and true
like how I loved you.
Faithfully, purely and absolutely honest.
And I didn’t take pills that keep me from crying.
We were beautiful, happy, irresponsible
And without worry.
Sometimes fantasy stings more than reality.
She broke the rules again
Now she walks these empty streets
Before climbing up the concrete bridge
She looks across the water
Sparkling like the diamonds
That she’ll never wear
She’ll never wear
Why is it that
The minute that
You get the things you want
You wonder why you wanted them at all?
Hate for herself over her decision
And over the loss of him
She doesn’t understand
In honor of St. Valentine’s day, I would like to proceed with a little rant that’s been bugging me for quite some time. It’s just something that I would like to put into words.
Love is a plague. To fall in love is to succumb to malicious deceit. It’s never worth the effort because for each pleasure, happiness and throe of joy or passion, one is met with three-fold sorrow, pain and a multitude of tears. Every love into which I have relished has been met with nothing but regret. I regret having ever fallen in love in the first place. Every woman I have met has turned out to be a psychotic, compulsive liar. All instances of love are met immediately with persistent grief. Love is a curse and a cancer which slowly and surely tears away once soul and wits. It is something which much be avoided for even the strongest of souls are turned into dribbling idiots once the first pangs of love have been furrowed into their heart. The lines upon my face are testament to this bittersweet monster which unrelentingly casts me time and time again into the deepest trenches of misery.
Sir Philip Sidney penned one of the greatest definitions of love in his second sonnet of Astrophil & Stella. I will provide the sonnet here with my own interpretations in parentheses. I shall underline the poem itself to allow for easier reading if one so feels to do so.
Not at first sight, nor with a dribbéd shot
(Love is never random, nor does it occur at first sight)
Love gave the wound, which while I breathe will bleed,
(A piercing arrow through the heart which slowly and painfully causes death as each breath is taken)
But known worth did in mine of time proceed
(It chips away at the foundations of one’s heart until it has dug it’s way through to besiege a carefully erected fortress)
Till by degrees it had full conquest got.
(Ever so slowly did it take over, until it had inevitably claimed the prize of one’s heart)
I saw and liked, I liked but lovèd not
I loved, but straight did not what Love decreed;
(Once again reiterating the slow conquering of the heart)
At length to Love’s decrees, I, forced, agreed
Yet with repining at so partial lot.
(Eventually, after much badgering, the narrator conceded to love’s siege and surrenders, but not without complaining about how unfair such a thing is)
Now even that footstep of lost liberty
Is go, and now like slave-born Muscovite,
I call it praise to suffer tyranny;
(After losing his freedom, which love so often appears to take first, he now acts as though he was born into such oppression and despite such a terrible and devestating loss, sings praise to his master)
And now employ the remnant of my wit,
To make myself believe that all is well,
(Now he uses all that is left of his mind that love so willingly ravished to construct a façade which allows him to remain happy even though he has been rent to tatters)
While with a feeling skill I paint my hell.
(He uses his art of poetry to fully illustrate his suffering)
Love is a horrible thing. Don’t allow yourself to be deceived as I so often have. For now, I am wrought with regret over letting such a silly thing control my actions as it has. If I could go back and change it all, I would.
Since I’ve turned a new page in my life, I’ve decided to make some appearance changes. Not much, but I got a haircut and shaved. From what I’ve been told, I look a lot different and reactions have been anywhere between, “Wow, you look really good!” to a surpised, “What the fuck?” or “Oh my god!”. I’m quite happy with it.
Me sitting at work in front of the beer display...
I’ve done this before. Usually though it is much more extreme than this: I typically just shave my head. However, I decided not to do this for a couple reasons. Firstly, it’s too fucking cold to shave my head. Secondly, I figured I would get a lot better reaction to it this way, which I have. So, all in all, I’m pretty happy with my change of appearance. Even if I had to break my new year’s resolution of not shaving for a year…
I’d like to end this by announcing that I’ve gotten *a lot* better at playing my keyboard. I still don’t know half of whatever the hell I’m doing, but I’ve learned most of the solo bits on Neutral Milk Hotel’s album “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea” and several other songs. Probably some time next week (more likely on Thursday), Creggorz and I should be performing at an open-mic. Should be awesome. Anyway, I’ve got a paper to write for my lit class. I’m off.
I am through feeling depressed and sorry for myself.
I have been lied to and I have been betrayed.
I am more angry right now than I ever have been in my recollectable life.
I am full of hate, rage and general unpleasantness.
I hope the person to whom my anger is directed realizes their mistake.
Though they probably won’t because my purpose has been met.
Fuck you.
I’m supposed to be working on a paper right now. I don’t really have the motivation to do so. Thusly, I’m procrastinating, as I am wont to do. What I *should* be doing is writing a 5 page paper on Edmund Spenser’s “The Shepheardes Calender”. However, I’m really just not feeling it right now, so I’ll probably end up doing it before work tomorrow. I dunno. I haven’t been motivated to do a whole lot lately.
It’s not that I’m depressed. Granted, I have every reason to be as I just recently split with Jenouvie after almost 2 years of being happy. Came out of fucking nowhere, I tell ya. Whatever. While the whole fiasco thing was going on, I kinda had a feeling that it would come to this and prepared for the worst. I’m now pretty much over it. Although, whenever I see her on a social networking site or anything, I get these anxious pains in my stomach and it just hurts all over again. Despite this, I’m back to being happy with myself again and I’m hanging out with my friends more and getting back to the life I had before I met her. I’m counting my blessing really.
I’ve started contemplating moving out with Mafia within the next month or so. It all depends on where things go. I would like to move out of my parent’s place, but things could happen. For example, I’m right now trying to work up the gall to talk to this girl in my literary criticism class. The problem with this is that I’m not very good at striking up conversations with people I don’t know. What I’m banking on is some (very possibly misread) signals that she’s digging on me as much as I am her. We’ll see where that goes.
I’ve also tried to get back to writing more, which explains my last post that still has yet to top the popularity of my short story. I have yet to complete my far too ambitious musical project, having yet to accomplish a single movement. Though now, I would like to try to put some Elizabethan poetry to music. Just simple chords, but something I could sing/perform.
Speaking of which, Creggorz and I have decided to start practicing for open mics at Munchies Emporium (or however you spell it). We’re going to do this since Firefly has new, stupid-ass winter hours and got rid of their weekly open mics until it warms up, or something. We’ll probably end up playing next Thursday which would be pretty fucking jake.
Anyway, I need to get back to work. Läterz.
An ambitious, ne’er to be completed project.
( 1 )
A lead arrow has been pierced through you heart
Absolution is what I wish to see
A fence has been built which keeps us apart
Are you blinded as to the remedy
A choice to bring us back eternally
And to unite once again within arms
Are all that is needed. So honestly
Are simple these things to keep us from harm
A bright sun shines down to keep us both warm
All that is needed is your plain request
And a beckoning to come to your arms
Any like notion will bring my heart rest
After all, is your heart not so grieved
As to allow my poor soul it’s reprieve?
( 2 )
By the grace of fate, I pray for release
But destiny seems to look down on me
Borrow or trade? May I fill out a lease?
Buy my soul, Fate, for just one chance to see
Beauty and grace that will set my heart free
Beknownst only as my lover before
Break from me these chains for I long to be
Beside my love for now and evermore
“Beloved” is all that I call out for
Bound so I am to the tenets of love
Be gracious and leave me with my amour
Benevolence, please be shown from above
Begging, I am, to be shown some mercy
By not your love will you show me pity?
( 3 )
Could now I maybe feel the soothing balm
Carefully applied with your gentle hands
Caress my wounded face inside your palm
Carry me once again in your command
Could never more this kind of thing be planned
Crushed I’ve become by cruel twists of fate
Cacophonies of sound around me pan
Crying out with me because of this state
Cease my sorrow and let’s new love create
Crimes against gentle Eros have been made
Call off this senseless war: his wrath to sate
Come back into my arms and sheath your blade
Cause and effect seem to have no place here
Could this folly exist due just to fear?
( 4 )
Don’t hesitate to call me once again
Do know that I sit motionless in place
Dreaming to receive the love of my friend
Dying to once again feel your embrace
Does hell exist for I who sings your praise?
Dichotomies course through my wracking brain
Does this prove just to be a passing phase?
Directly causing my heart’s constant pain?
Do you think that there’s anything to gain?
Death seems like the only source of healing
Dirges on my behalf are sung in vain
Dealt I was the blow that caused such feeling
Does not a hint of mercy dare exist?
Does this fell torture really need persist?
( 5 )
Every song I hear reminds me of you
Even if it’s ever only Reznor
Enough of any song brings pain anew
Each syllable leads my wounds to fester
Entombed am I within alabaster
Every step is a prayer on bended knee
Each breath I take I use just to bless her
Encapsulated: only her and me
Engraved upon my heart for all to see
Exists the image of my lover’s name
Ensnared I am, I wish to not break free
Either trapped or with a life worse than Cain’s
Eternally I am within her clutch
Evermore I may feel her loving touch
( 6 )
Forget the times I’ve ever let you down
Full for joy I’ll make you when I’ve returned
For the times I have ever made you frown
Forsake all the similar thoughts concerned
From the depths of the heart that for you burns
Four thousand fold joys I will bring to you
For I’ll wait ’til the world has stopped it’s turns
Fight to the death just to stand beside you
Finally then, I’ll have something to prove
Feast I on emptiness until that day
Fastidious I stand ’til your heart moves
From the distance that has come in the way
Forget not the bonds that held us so tight
Forever in place without losing sight
( 7 )
Give your heart into my care once again
Grace me with your everlasting presence
Grant me that and for ever I’ll be fain
Give me eke your truthful reassurance
Gratitude and never ceasing patience
Go hand in hand with passion as with love
Graciousness abounds in my persistence
Great virtues granted us though from above
Golden tresses for you my heart it wove
Glad with the love you gave to stoke it’s fire
Greater still that Prometheus’ stove
Goodly fuel harnessed from melting desire
Give me then your heart; fulfill my request
Give me your depthless love or give me death
( 8 )
Have all my virtues been exhausted?
Has Providence neglected it’s own son?
Hell’s minions have my own love accosted
Hurry back unto me my blessed one
Her love can be compared to not a one
Harmony must once again be restored
Her truth and beauty meets the likes of none
Home, it is gone when she my love ignored
Happiness I hope to again be poured
Harps will resound when she again is mine
Her doubts and fears will once again be floored
How I wish for the Fates to hasten time
However things will go, I’ll always be
Her happiness when she is next to me
( 9 )
I wait in vain for your telephone call
I’m hoping that you’ll ask me to come home
I would come if it meant I had to crawl
If it just meant I wouldn’t be alone
I’m shaking with anxiousness to the bone
Is it so much to ask to be with you?
In this world I seek no other one
I just long for what once was to be new
Irresponsible for all that I do
It is still no excuse for all my sins
I’m still waiting for your voice to come through
I know it alone will calm what’s within
I beg for you you to end this tragedy
It alone can bring our lives harmony
( 10 )
Jenna, my darling, please forget me not
Justice demands I have another chance
Judiciously, will you please turn the clock?
Just for once moment will you take my stance
Jeeringly, eyes accost my every glance
Jamming all my advances and their cause
Jumping so as to put me in a trance
Judging me at my greatest time of loss
Just for a moment, take a little pause
Juxtapose your position with my own
Just how would your soul deal with what you lost?
Jerking at the marrow of every bone
Jackboots on my spine create the pressure
Juxtaposing pain with bitter pleasure
In light of recent events, I needed something to cheer me up.
Last night, I was able to witness and participate in, one of the most beautiful and amazing things I’ve ever seen.
As anyone from northeast Indiana knows, it’s fucking cold out here. Last night, it was somewhere below 0*F. This allowed me to do what I was able to do despite being at work.
I went out to my car and grabbed a bottle of bubble solution/wand and let it thaw in the sink. Then, I went outside and started blowing bubbles. It was the most amazing and awesome things ever.
If the bubbles burst, they exploded. They shattered in millions of tiny bubble shards and released a puff of hot air. Since it wasn’t very windy, I was able to get close to them and see all the shapes the ice took as they floated about the surface before gravity had them find their way to the bottom. Sometimes, I would catch them in my hand. The warmth of my palm saw them collapse and slowly disintegrate into nothing. I was actually laughing at the bubbles, giddy as a little child.
If you have the opportunity to do this, I highly recommend it. Unfortunately, I didn’t have anything to record it with, so you’ll have to do it on your own to see it. It was so much fucking fun.
I decided after I came home from work this morning that it would be interesting to watch the Ben Stein flick “Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed”. I know that it received it’s spotlight when it first came out and has been ridiculed and completely chastised by anyone who wasn’t retarded since it’s release. Despite this, I still felt a desire to actually watch it. The reason I decided on doing this was partially so that I could see this idiocy for myself. The other reason is due to the fact that I finished a paper on Evolution vs. Creationism a couple weeks ago and I wanted to see what the arguments presented in this film were. Let me tell you of my experience with this film.
I knew that watching this would require some form of medication, so I went to the refrigerator and grabbed myself a bottle of beer. After opening it, I sat down and started the movie. At first, I was confused about how in the fluttering fuck the Berlin Wall had anything to do with the Evolution vs. Creationism debate, but I let it slide. I’d give them this based on artistic merit because personally, I quite liked the faux-Cyrillic lettering of the opening credits.
As the film went on, however, I was completely baffled by Stein’s first argument that Creationism (so beautifully dressed up in the moniker of “Intelligent Design”) should be taught in schools solely because “this is ‘Merica, goddammit and we have the freedom to talk about this”. As compelling as this argument is, it’s still bullshit. We don’t teach the viewpoint of the Holocaust deniers. Just because we have freedom of speech in America, doesn’t mean I want my tax dollars to go to the nation’s youth being taught every bat-shit insane idea that think it deserves class time.
At about this time, 10 minutes had rolled by and I was already in need of another beer to wash down the bad taste this movie had left in my mouth. After finishing it within as much as 5 minutes, I heard Johnny Cash’s version of Depeche Mode’s “Personal Jesus”. It was about then that I decided, “Fuck this movie”, got my guitar and went and learned how to play “Personal Jesus”.
