Shine. You have remained dormant and dull for far too long. Let your light pierce the clouds of my discontent. I don’t know where you went, but I kept denying that you would ever return. Then you came. I have missed you greatly. Denial of your existence proved to be misguided. I should have waited for you, but I am flawed. You still came. I lost sight of your glimmer. You were hidden under dust and misuse. You still came. However, your light now makes me cold. I lost taste for food. Yet, I welcome you back. You have filled me with acrid smoke. Your image has caused tempests within my heart and a sickly pall to wash over my skin. Yet, I welcome you back. I wish to once again be counted as your greatest of acolytes. I had forgotten your name, your face and your touch. I remember now. I have missed you, Hope.
I Find Solace In My Moustache
I walk through ghosts with a sunken heart. I swat them away. Things have become tighter. Wound and wound. I witnessed the auroras today. It’s been ages. ‘Tis the season. I couldn’t hear you over the rustling of the leaves. Woefully inadequate. I was going to buy papyrus. It seemed appropriate. There was also that grid to get involved in. I’m having doubts, but it still seems as though it may be a good idea. Is it appropriate? Can’t disappear. Dearth. Every step against the crunching pavement. Too lazy to change appearances.
Ж
Девушка, что сломал мое сердце. I’ve played this before. Любовь. It seems a reversal, though. There was once a downward spiral. I feel now as though I could be flying through an updraft. Either way, I’m still flying. I need a new suit. The weather’s been cold for quite sometime and I lack the necessary amenities. Not a house of cards; that’s too stable. And I stood there. Encased in snow, with black plastic and a comforting ушанка. Now it is the same, though I possess significantly less. I believe that the разум has twisted. Is that the case? Moving slower than the луна that greeted me that night. The one I’m not currently able to see which seems as though it will persist through the coming week. I know you didn’t anymore. It took some time, but with the current state of things, a telegram would’ve proved more reliable. I suppose that’s what was coming what with my lack of здравый смысл. This time, there is something to be done, comrade. I just need the мужество, I suppose. Get things together. What’s the eta again? Don’t tell me. Я по-прежнему люблю тебя.
Confession
I’m frozen solid with anticipation. I wait anxiously for the next 3 spins. What to do. Was it a lie? I need to talk. I’m not sure how to feel right now. I’ve been living these last several months full of something and it seems as though my heart is missing. It dropped off somewhere and I have no idea where to find it. Maybe you could help me? Doubtful, though. I haven’t heard you since the cold. I’ve been waiting for what seems like ages. I’ve tried my hand a few times, never once coming to fruition. Rice said it best, and I can only hope that it’s true. It won’t ever happen. Nothing can fill that hole. I never did this before. At least, I did a few times. Something stopped me, but since things transpired, I’ve started again with reckless abandon. I wait to go home. I can’t. I wait for vibrations and updates and darkness. None ever come. I wait for tunics and yarn and green. None ever come. I wait for unspoiled sugar, benign plague, gelatin joy, parsimonious murmurings and failed attempts at homogenization. None ever come. Autumn does. And with it, so much that I once had known so fondly. What ever happened? I’m conflicted about this entire thing. For Christ’s sake, I’m not Murray Leinster. I can’t do it. It’s up to you. It was such a monumental cock-up, wasn’t it? I won’t know what to say. Quod erat demonstrandum. I had made up my mind. It hasn’t changed. You’ll have to do something. Unless this was all a lie. My phone’s on and my email address hasn’t changed. I’m here; I know you’re there.
Densely Packed Ball of Hope and Dread
I’ve started compiling my previously mentioned prose poems. I’ve got a decent number so far: about 6 pages worth. I’ll have a link for anyone to upload at the end of this. They’re in chronological order, as much as I could get. The earliest dates back to a little over three years ago. The last four or five, I’ve written within the last week. As I said before, I’ve started moving away from more personal aspects and to begin writing about what’s around me. In fact, the last ones are about common, everyday objects or places. If you’d like to pose guesses as to what they are, feel free. I’d also be interested in what they’d make you picture. Overall, I’m essentially just fishing for some constructive criticism. I’ve already given a few copies to friends and another to one of my poetry professors. Let me know. I’m really excited about this project.
I am the quicksilver waterboy
I’ve decided to finally set myself forward and do something note-worthy. I’ve spent the last few days going through all of my writings in order to compile all of my prose poetry: what I’ve done over the last few years as my form of literary outlet. If you’ve read my stuff for long enough, you know exactly what I’m referring to. It’s those ramblings that I seem to have that make little to no sense, but focus on images and ideas. My last blog post, for example. As of now, I’ve gotten together around 6-7 pages worth and I’ve written some 3 more since the beginning of this project. With the ones that I’ve written since then, I’ve decided to finally venture away from personal reflections and actually focus on the world around me.
Right now, I’m sitting in the local coffee shop to feel like the pretentious college student that I am. All that I’m really doing here is reworking some titles for each of these poems, because most of the ones I had originally come up with were trite pieces of shit. I’m really good at writing titles, but I never applied any of them to these. I’m rectifying that. Wish me luck. If you’d like a copy of what I’ve done so far, let me know and I’ll either print you off a copy or send it in an email. Critical response is very important to me in this process.
Quick Stat History
The King came back and he’s tearing at every remnant of faith that I once had. Anymore, I find it difficult to sleep because of these dreams that I can’t prevent each time I close my eyes. My life now is filled with unanswered questions, doubts, unresolved outcomes and “what if”s. This is due mostly to the fact that decisions were made that should have been mine to make, but I couldn’t say no and I simply couldn’t cope. I wait by my phone hoping that something will change and that the sky will open up and welcome Summer back into my life. I miss that green and those butterflies. Once my fuck-ups have cleared up, I’ll be so much more free. I’ll have my own space and maybe, just maybe, things will get better. I know I’ve heard this song before. We sang it once to cheer up the gloom, driving through the snow in that jet black auto we used to suspend the pretty things from that which allowed us to look behind. I can’t help but thinking that this was all a horrible dream and those ones that I have when the curtains are drawn are what should happen. It’s been too long. It’s been far too long and I know that even though I should let go, I can’t. I’ve finally taken care of myself and I’m stable. I can do it. I’d be happy now, if it weren’t for that lingering scenario. It is and was and always will be for you.
Waiting for the Balcony
I present to you my current playlist of depressing songs since I was asked recently what my sad songs were. There were too many for me to outright say, so I made this list. They may not all seem that down for you, but they are to me for some reason or another. They will be listed by artist first and in no particular order. If you would like to add to it, by all means. I’m curious as to what other people see as their tear-jerkers.
The Whitlams – No Aphrodisiac
Placebo – Meds
Death Cab for Cutie – I Will Possess Your Heart
Death Cab for Cutie – I Will Follow You Into the Dark
Ladytron – Destroy Everything You Touch
Regina Spektor – Blue Lips
Regina Spektor – Samson
Ben Folds Five – Brick
Gay Dad – Oh Jim
Elbow – Fugitive Motel
Mellowdrone – I’m Too Young
Mellowdrone - My First Love Song
Mellowdrone – Happy Together
Motion City Soundtrack – My Favorite Accident
Motion City Soundtrack – Modern Chemistry
Rasputina – Rose K.
Everclear – Learning How to Smile
Everclear – You Arizona Room
Everclear – Good Witch of the North
The Weakerthans – Virtute the Cat Explains Her Departure
The Weakerthans – Without Mythologies
The Weakerthans – Bigfoot!
The Decemberists – From My Own True Love (Lost at Sea)
The Decemberists – Clementine
Celtic Woman – Danny Boy
Sweeny Todd Soundtrack – My Friends
The Album Leaf – We Were Once (Two)
The Mountain Goats – Woke Up New
Modest Mouse – The View
Modest Mouse – King Rat
Rammstein – Ohne Dich
Man Man – Van Helsing Boombox
Alanis Morrisette – Everything
VNV Nation – Beloved
Machine Gun Felatio – Came Home
Youth Group – Forever Young
Kings of Leon – Rememo
Gary Jules – Mad World
The Dresden Dolls – Me and the Mini-bar
The Dresden Dolls – Christopher Lydon
Nine Inch Nails – Hurt
Flogging Molly – Far Away Boys
Pulp – Bad Cover Version
TISM – Preening Dumb Tool
Ani DiFranco – So What
Billie Holiday – Gloomy Sunday
Cake – Sad Songs and Waltzes
Damien Rice – The Blower’s Daughter
Dropkick Murphys – Fields of Athenry
Joy Division – Love Will Tear Us Apart
The Waifs – London Still
The Waifs – Love Serenade
The Moldy Peaches – Nothing Came Out
Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Maps
Flobots – Handlebars
Copper Frenzy
I haven’t posted in forever, and for that I don’t apologize. Several weeks ago, I purchased a tangible journal. It’s beautiful. Green leather with celtic designs covering the front and spine. I love it. Unfortunately, I haven’t done much writing in that either. To be honest, I just haven’t been in a very “write-y” mood recently.
I’ve been hanging out with a lot more people recently. Mostly people from school. Speaking of which, it took forever for me to register for my classes next semester. I’m happy about my choices though. I’m taking 2 poetry classes and 2 in literature. I really can’t wait for school to start. It’s going to be hella fun.
My life since my last post has been a bit rocky. I’ve made some poor decisions and dealt with the consequences. The good news is though, that I’m finally getting help. Both for my headaches and my depression. Turns out, I’m very bipolar. Huh.
I still miss her terribly. Doubly so after hearing about her asking about me. Nothing to be done though, comrade. If only one were to get what one wanted in life. Things would be so much easier.
TH came back for a little while last week or so. It was good fun. We spent a lot of time catching up and then things went back to how it used to be. I was very happy. We even did a show, even though I severely fucked up the last song. He’s gone now. Won’t be back for another year. I’m gonna miss him.
Anyway, I’ve got some work to be done. I may post later, but it may take me a while. No promises.
It feels as though sometimes…
I guess you could compare it to
A battered old bin bag,
Billowing outward from the hole in it’s canister
Against the biting, bitter wind
Compelled to leave it’s comfortable complacency
By something it can’t see or feel
Or even comprehend.
It’s a bit like that.
Kinda hard to commit to words
But what I’m saying is…
I can’t be here anymore.
